Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in gemston's LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 21st, 2005
12:42 pm	havent wriiten in a long time. Been busy. I just started bar tending, YAY!!!!! I'm very happy about that. Don't have much of a life any more though. My life consist of my daughter, school, and work. All well, I guess that is just the way it goes. Current Mood: blah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 1st, 2004
6:57 pm	yay, i get to get a tattoo on sunday. I am so excited. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
7:56 pm	I get to go camping tomarrow, YAY!! Will be fun, hopefully. I have a date on Wednesday, I'm not too sure how to feel about it. I haven't been on a date for a long time, and haven't really even been single for that long. I kinda hope that maybe it will help me move on from my most recent relationship. Which would be a good thing. I am a little nervous though, it will be interesting. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 20th, 2004
5:02 pm	hmmmmmmmmmm....................... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
1:11 pm	red bull and vodka very baaaddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: hungover Current Music: whatever is on the radio (Comment on this)
Monday, June 14th, 2004
6:31 pm	It's a gorgeous day out, and I'm sitting indoors at school. Ah, whatever. Went to Newport last Friday with Talik and his work, was alot of fun. I love going to beach, especially with someone. It was kinda weird though, there were alot of memeories flowing when I was there. Reminded me of some of the good times I did have with my father growing up. Work last night was sad. I worked at the boom boom room east, we had like 6 customers all night. Talk about a boring night. Hopefully with Rose Festival being over, business will get better. Not much else to talk about, so guess I will go back to sitting here bored. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
2:45 pm	life was going ok for awhile, until my father decided to screw me over. I've been going to school and takeing care of my daughter. So to pay my bills, I was using an inheritance that my grandmother had left me. Unfortunetly my father had control over this money. Turns out, he has spent all of it on drugs, alcohol, and bad invesments. He can't even tell me this to my face, he leaves me a letter on my car the day after rent is due. I figured, between the money that was left to me, my sister, my brother, and the money from my granmothers property (that he sold without our consent) totals to approx. $125,000.00. That's alot of money for him to screw his children out of. Shit, as far as I know, I'm going to be homeless next month with my daughter. It has gotten me so stressed out, I don't want to be homeless with a child. I've had people tell me to sue him, what good would that do. He does not own anything, at all. It just would be a waste of money for me. I don't understand how a parent could do that to their children, knowing that their children depend on that. That and just the fact of stealing from your children for drugs. That just aint right. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
6:10 pm	Went out last night, got sooooo drunk. I couldn't walk straight and today I have a hangover, which sucks because I never get hangovers. Had alot of fun though, hung out with good friends. Christee and Devin came down which was way cool because I haven't gotten to see them in awhile. They are really good people. That and me and Christee have a lot in common. Our ex's are friends, both psycho, we are both single mom's, and her son is two months older than my daughter. So we get along real well. Kinda lost track as to how much I drank last night, my cup never quite went empty. I know we wen through at least three pitchers. It was a good thing that I didn't drive last night. I don't think I would have made it homw. Went to a baby shower today. Was a little odd, I didn't really know anyone there. It was a bunch of preppy girls playing odd games and gossiping. TOns of fun. Otay, time for a nap. Current Mood: hungover Current Music: elmo in grouch land (Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2004
11:42 am	The weekend is here! Going to be a boring weekend though, no sitter. All well. Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
12:42 pm	Yesterday, my birthday and Mardi Gras. Should have been kick ass. Well, wasn't too bad minus the fact my family and friends all forgot my birthday. Well, most of them. Did go out last night and collected some beads, got a free drink for my birthday. yah! Saw a bunch of cops trying to bully everyone. Which I don't understand, but in some instances was very amusing. I have been spending a lot of time thinking lately and I think I have come up with some things. The last 3 1/2 months have been very caotic. I went from having a partner to being a single mom and scared most of the time. It is very scary when you spend 6 years with someone and you spend so much time blinded, that you actually think that you will spend the rest of your lfe with that person. THen the blinders come off and you don't know how to hanndle it. I have realized that I was veryy young and nieve. Actailly I think more of stupid would better eplain it. I actailly thought that everything would end up great. Now I am having to figure this all out when I thought I already had. I have also realized that even though I like being alone, at the same time I don't. I miss having someome to cuddle with every night and having someome to share with. I miss the comfort of knowing that I was not alone. I am 23 and scared to be alone. I'm scared of raising my daughter alone. Scared of no one wanting to be with me because I have a child. I want to finish school and I want to be a good mom and I want to take care of myself and I want to make money and I want to have a life and i want to date and i want to have friends and i want to spend time with my family. I don't know how to do all of what I want to do. When it comes down to it, I can work on finishing school and being a good mom and that is about all that I have the time and energy for. Current Mood: blah Current Music: aerosmith (Comment on this)
Monday, February 23rd, 2004
11:50 pm	This weekend was good. Am no longer sick, BONUS, and got to kick it with good friends. My birthday is tomarrow, (nothing to do on a Tuesday) so I went out Saturday. I got towed, which really sucked!! But my friend (THANK YOU) payed for me to get my car back. Did you know that to get your car towed a mile and for half an hour costs $230. I couldn't believe it. Then went to the Matador and played some pool, well more of watched others play pool, and drank some beer. Got bored there and went to a friends house in SE portland and kicked it till 4am. By the end of the night was pretty drunk. Wasn't anything real eventful, but that was ok though. I got to hang out with some good friends, so that was enough for m (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
9:12 pm	Ok, I got to spend two hours in the emergency room today. YAh!!! I had a fever of 104.9 when I went in. I have tonsillitis. I had the choices of A) penicillin shot in my ass (which always hurts like hell), or B) take four pills for the next ten days. I chose B. The last time I had a penicillin shot in my ass I had a knot and a bruise for two weeks. Not something worth reliving. I also got some prednisone to take down the swelling of my tonsils and some vicodin to help with discomfort. I have never been given so much before for being sick. I mean yah I'm pretty miserable, but I was surprised at what all they gave. I guess that is the drug companies way of making more money. I need to get feeling better though, I am suppose to go out this weekend since it is the weekend before my birthday. Hopefully I can still go out. Just might not get to drinik as much as orinally planned. All well, guess I will survive. Well that is what my week has consisted of, feeling like shit and having a fever. Luckily my daughter has been really good all week. She has made it easier on me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 14th, 2004
2:27 pm	Oh yah, it is Valentines day. Luckily now that it is here it will hopefully be over soon. Yesterday, friday the 13th, was actually the best day of my whole week, oddly enough. Had a friend come over and watched movies all night. It was cool. Had another friend buy me a beer after school, and another bring me coffee when i was at school. GUess I am loved ;-). Today not too sure what I am doin yet. Hookin up with a friend this afternoon for awhile and possibly hookin up with some other friends tonight. Not too sure yet, just know that I don't want to be alone today. The day would be easier if I could get someone out of my mind. Unfortunately, it is easier said than done. He was right, this would be so much easier if I was mad at him. I should have known better than to let my emotions get involved. I knew that this was going to happen. I guess when you like someone that much you hope that it will be different than what you think it will be. Granted though, this does not help my fear any of dating. I already have the thought in my head that no one is goin to want to date a single mom. Maybe that's not it though, just no one wants to get serious with me because I am a single mom. So basically, with every relationship, as long as I don't have any emotions involed I will be fine. Hmm..... will have to see. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 12th, 2004
10:26 pm	TIme for a vacation. This has been one of the worst weeks. First I have to deal with my ex threating to take my daughter from me (among other things) find out he's called social services on me and said that if they don't take her away that he will take her and run. Ok, that got me a little freaked out. Then my DVD player some how was stolen out of my house. Only thing stolen mind you. No way of getting in. I'm pretty puzzled on this one. Than whatwas my new boyfriend brakes up with me two days till Valentines Day. So to say the least it has been very trying. I can't be mad that he broke up with me, as much as I would like to be. He said that he can't fall for someone who he has to share and he realizes that my daughter will always come first. Unfortunetly, I understand. As much as I wish that I could be mad at him, I can't. It just sucks becasue I was really falling for him. But hay, life goes on, right!? (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
6:59 pm	Satisfaction Hatred, burning so deep within Agression, boiling on the skin Take my knife and push it a little deeper in Twisting and turning harder The blade digging through your skin Blood dripping, pooling at your feet Eyes blinding, looking into the unseen Whispers burn your ears Your head spinning knowing whats near Soft lips on your neck Nail going down your back The slap across the face Throbbing pain takes it place Silent pleases escape from somewhere within Understanding of payback Starting to set in. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:54 pm	Disturbing poetry My heart aches Wanting not to feel alone My soul cries wanting to be free My mind sours Looking to forget the pain My eyes bleed Burning with memories My chest pounds singing my panic My ears burn Flooded by insult My knees break Crumbling beneath me My body falls Trying to get away (Comment on this)
Friday, February 6th, 2004
12:00 am	Ok, the day started off good. I woke up in my boyfriends arms, a little too early, but hay that was ok. After that, it all kinda went down hill. I ended up fighting all day with my ex, which is really sad. Especially what we were fighting over was him taking care of his child. I don't understand him. Larissa (my daughter) is beggin him to let her come over to his house. She misses him very much. But, the last time she was over with him she was getting over a cold and gave it to him. So he can't have her over becasue he is sick. Boohoo. I told him that must be a nice luxury to be able to say "Oh, I don't feel good, don't think I will see my child today." It's bull pucky. Than he is trying to say that I'm selfish for trying to go to school and because I am moving on with my life. I have been hard enough on myself, I don't need him trying to tear me down even more. I wish that this didn't bother me so much. I think that if it wasn't for the fact that my daughter is getting hurt here more than anything, I wouldn't care. But when I see her cry because she want's to see her dad, it bothers me very much. Maybe I will get lucky and he will go away. I went out for a little while tonight to a bar called Meadows. Did a little Karoke. I kinda sucked, I tried a song that I have never done before, I killed it bad! I wished that I could have seen my booyfriend tonihgt, especially after a bad day, but I didn't want to bother him. He was tired from staying out to late last night. Time to quit bitchin' and go to bed, good night all. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
1:16 am	Ok, I have been told to check this out, so now I am. Not too sure what to think yet. I am very excited because I just got a computer, nothing great, but it serves it purpose for now. That and I didn't pay much for it. It is 1 am and my daughter is still awake, zoning, but still awake. I fought with her on the going to bed thing for awhile and gave up. It is pointless fighting with a sick three year old. If she was not sick I would have won, but her being sick, she is too winy for me to last long. So, she won. She is watching Labyrinth, which is odly enough one of her favorite movies. The movie has been around way before I could even reproduce, yet she loves it. I should be in bed too, yet too much on my mind. At least I don't have to be up early for woork, since I am no longer working. I have school, but that is at night. It is always hard for me to turn my brain off at night, I always want to try to figure out everything that I have to do the next day, next week, next month, and so forth. Very annoying. That and I'm stressed out right now so it makes it alot worse. I'm starting to wonder whether or not I can actually survive on my own taking care of a child and trying to get an educuation. I am really starting to doubt everything that I believed in myself that I could do. Doesn't mean that I am going to give up, I am just making it alot harder on myself I guess. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)